DAD

Writing this blog is somewhat hard but i want to do it. It's just that I am flooded with memories as I do this. It's that raw rememberance of just how much you have lost. It penetrates to the very depths of you. It is that odd tightness that starts in your throat and moves down to your chest. I am not quite sure if it is sadness, loss, both or a mix of all these feelings rolled into one. So I am not going to write a lot but just post some pictures right now.

Dad

I started this to keep about Dad but thought sharing would be much better. If this sounds like a tribute, then it just may be. A tribute to a person who was more than most men acquire to ever be. My dad was an amazingly kind gentle man. He was a son, father, Pa, husband, partner, brother, and a kind soul to all he met. To be in the company of my Dad felt like bieng in the company of Grace. There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss him. The heartache with losing him was deeper than anything I have ever felt. My Dad was not just a "Dad" but the kind of father I would wish for anyone. I always felt surrounded by love and warmth around him. I shared just about every aspect of my life with my dad. He was always supportive, always positive and I knew I could come to him with anything. I never ever thought he would be gone so soon. I was reflecting on his last few weeks today. I remember speaking to him Friday morning complaining about something as he coughed on the other end of the line. Getting the call at work that he was bieng intubated. It all seems surreal looking back and I am not quite sure I have grasped all of it yet. I remember arriving at my dad's bedside praying for God to breathe life back into him. I wanted to shake him awake, to tell him selfishly how much i needed him and that he couldn't go. It wasn't fair, it was way to early. I prayed to God countlessly to give him back to us. It is only now I realize that God sometimes doesn't answer prayers the way we want. There was so much more to this than our human side could ever understand. It all didn't matter though I just wanted my dad back. And it ached to see all my family suffering through this. You want to say something to make it better, to assure everyone and yourself that it will be ok. It funny though my dad was always the one to do that. He always could make you feel better. We had so many future plans and they seem like they were just cut way to short. For some reason I thought my dad was going to pull through this, it wasn't until the last few days that I really felt he was leaving us and crossing over. I remember seeing him that last night and knowing it wasn't really him, I think he was in between letting go of us and moving on towards God. He was called home and it was his time to go. He and God though gave us an unbelievable few weeks with him. He gave us time to get ready and say goodbye. I work in the medical field but really don't put much in modern medicine. Underneath it all it all it is God at work, he controls everything. He either breathes life back into you or slowly takes it out so you may enter life everlasting. I think my dad knew this was it on his way into the hospital and the gift of him hanging on was for us and us alone. We were so fortunate to be around his bedside as he passed. I know he would have it no other way either than his most treasured ones with him during those last moments when he drifted over. It was an amazing moment filled with so much emotion. A heartache so raw and real and a relief that he would no longer suffer. something i would never want for my dad. He always went out of his way to make sure no one else suffered. My Dad touched so many people and made such a difference. Recentely my husband shared with me the impact my dad made on his life. His childhood wasn't always filled with the love of a parent like my dad. He expressed to me how my dad really made him want to be a better peron. How much his kindness and love touched him. The countless treasured conversations he had with my Dad and how my dad made him feel so special and loved. To me that touches my very core and leaves me with such a bittersweet feeling. A feeling that this physical love is gone but hopes that my husband will always carry my dad's love with him. I feel to sad to write more right now but i want to continue this for a little while and then share it with all the special people in my dad's life.